i believe in technology.
i believe in its ability to connect people like never before and i believe in mankinds ability to sort through all of its bullshit and find love in all the sewage we all have to wade through every day. we could all be perfect and healthy if only wed give this magic thing called technology our full attention. but we dont, we focus on money, and power, and the way people perceive us. we focus on our artificial gods, and our televisions and our caveman egos and the one thing we go out of our way to keep as blurred as possible is really human beings only salvation.
i believe in love.
i still believe in love.
my heart just broke again, but theres a complicated story thats goes with it this time thats unlike so many other times.
we'd never met. we were connected at first by electrons and text, then fones and waves. completely by chance.
7 months. thats how long we talked, almost every single day. for hours. hours and hours.
it grew into usps packages, and fone sex, and hazy middle-of-the-night intimacies, and a bizarre kind of trust and understanding you can only get via fragments of a person.
a voice. a picture. an idea. a ghost without a shell i guess.
but now, what can i believe in? technology has failed me, dreams have failed me, human beings have failed me. over and over.
people are afraid of love.
afraid of loving, of being loved. afraid to be naked without all the walls and barriers and bullshit buffering them to the people around them.
im afraid too, of loving. an old woman told me one time after a terribly messy breakup, "be thankful that you have the capacity for such love."
and i am, i am thankful. im also scared and disappointed that a simple chemical reaction in my brain and blood can be triggered, ultimately, by familiarity, even if its a kind that allows someone to let go of all their bullshit and really let somebody see them.
so anyway, this girl, i saw her. i really did.
but she doesnt know what she wants.
they never do.